Finding Support...

Last night Bryan and I went to a support group for parents that have lost a child. After what I had thought had been a good few days for me, the reality of being around other parents "like me" hit hard. Hearing the stories from the men and women of their babies lost at 17 weeks, 23 weeks, 40 weeks, etc. brought tears to my eyes. It brings comfort to me to know I am not alone in this. I realize that I am not the only person to be in this dark space. Most of the women had gone on to have healthy, happy children after their loss. This gives me hope.

One of the biggest things that I felt that I could talk about last night at the support group was how much I wanted my baby. I wanted my little Benjamin more than you know. I wanted to bring him into the world, love him, and cherish him. I wanted to be his Mom. I am his Mom. There are so many people that worry about whether their baby is a boy or a girl, how much hair they have, etc. I didn't care about any of that. To know that my sweet Benjamin had a disability was a bigger reason that I love him. Bryan and I would have welcomed our sweet boy with open arms, and loved him regardless. This is what makes me angry. We are two people who have been touched by so many wonderful and beautiful people with disabilities, and been involved in working with folks with disabilities for 8 years. We would have been great at being his Mom and Dad.

Sometimes I feel that it is difficult to grieve. I met a lot of people last night who lost their first child, and my heart broke for them. I was the only person who had a healthy child prior to the loss of a baby. Max has been a gift to us since all of this has happened, but I also feel guilty. I feel guilty because my life has to go on being Max's mom. I have to bathe him, feed him, read to him, love him, etc. I love being his mom, but I feel guilty because there are times I can't focus on grieving the loss of my Ben because I am too busy being a mom to Max. I know this all might sound odd, but this is how I feel. I feel sad because I don't want to forget Ben. I don't want to forget the gifts he has given me.

So far on this journey, Ben has taught me to never take our loved ones for granted. Ben has taught me that I need to sit back and enjoy the simple moments in life. Ben has taught me to slow down. Ben has taught me that there is so much beauty in the simple things. I hope Ben can teach you these things too...