Weeks 12-16 of my pregnancy were great. I felt the sweet movements of my little one for the first time, and boy was the little one active. I felt so great at this point, and I was settling in to the 2nd trimester. I was telling everyone the news of our little one and we were so excited!!
Everything changed on June 24, 2011 around 3:30pm. I was going to my 16 week appointment by myself (I miss having Bryan at these appointments, but I know that Max keeps him busy). I walked in and got right in to see my doctor. Everything seemed great...my BP was excellent, weight was great, and I couldn't wait to hear the little one again!
My doctor came in and we talked a while...we talked about her little one who is due in October. She had her first daughter 12 days after I had Max, so we laughed and joked about how we were on the same schedule. She asked if I had any questions or anything and I mentioned to her that I hadn't felt great over the past few days...I thought I was sick or had some kind of stomach bug. She wasn't concerned and we continued to talk as she put the doppler to my belly. The minutes ticked by as she moved the doppler all over...everytime I thought I would hear the heartbeat I would get so excited, but it never was found. Words cannot express what goes through your head at this point...you can't prepare yourself for that. My doctor didn't seem extremely concerned, she just thought my little one was being difficult. So she suggested we go into the ultrasound room and take a quick look. I walked down the hall with the most dreadful feeling in my heart...something that I cannot even begin to describe. I sat in the chair and the ultrasound began. Immediately my little baby's head appeared on the screen and I saw the sweet little body. My baby lay still on the screen. There was no movement. There was no kicking. There was no heartbeat. I felt so alone, so numb, so empty, so confused, so scared.
My doctor then uttered the words, "Oh Beth I am so sorry. We need to get you into St. John's today to get a better ultrasound." It was at this point that I had to walk out of the office and call Bryan. I called Bryan and he answered by saying, "everything good?" I uttered the words I never thought I would say, "no babe, everything is not ok. There is no heartbeat."
I then got in my car and headed over to St. John's and walked into the perinatal center. There were pregnant women everywhere, and I thought that this was all a dream. I thought I was going to get an ultrasound done, and everything was going to be fine. This couldn't be happening. I went in by myself when they called me back and had the ultrasound done. The room was silent. I looked at my little one on the screen above and saw the perfect little baby who was not moving. There was no heartbeat. The ultrasound tech kept snapping pictures, especially of my little one's neck and head. She said she would be right back and left the room. I was alone then. Alone to think about what was happening. I was alone to think about what went wrong, and what was wrong with my little one. And I was alone to think "why me?"
Bryan walked in about 20 minutes later and we just hugged and cried. We didn't know what had happened or why it happened. The doctor walked in and sat down with a look of pity on her face. She talked to us for a few minutes about what happened. She said that our sweet little one had a lot of fluid on his neck and head. She said that this was most likely due to a chromosomal problem associated with either Down Syndrome or Turner Syndrome.
She then told me that she had talked to my dr, and the only option for me was that I would have to be induced and give birth to my sweet angel baby. What? Give birth? My baby isn't alive! Bryan and I went to the conference room to talk and we decided that we would go home for the evening, see our little Max, and come back in the morning.
I talked to my doctor on the phone and she explained what the process would look like, and let me know that my induction time would be at 8am the next morning.
I left St. John's that evening feeling so numb, and sad. I was trying to prepare myself then for what the next day would bring...although words cannot describe what June 25th was like for Bryan and I.
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